Mornings
Every morning the world is my oyster. Boundless seas, of both thought and possibility, for me to set sail on. Many a master plan concocted, filled to the brim with sugar, spice and everything nice. Worlds conquered between the sips of my coffee, or even before I get to brew one!
It’s a huge task, world domination, I think to myself. I make the executive decision to take the extra minute in the warmth of my bed. I roll around, planning continuously how to best optimise. Watching in my head still, for pitfalls and opportunities I’m bound to encounter. It’s in this process I stumble. A piece of information missing. If only, I think (to myself, duh, telepathy isn’t scheduled until later), there was a device that had all of this and more at the tips of my fingers…
I think you, the reader, know how this story ends. Our protagonist, me in this particular case, unlocks his phone, googles the thing, opens the app and rest is history. This begs the question should I, or anyone in this situation be upset with it or myself?
I pose this question just as I wake up, get up and win the battle for my attention. An outcome that isn’t obvious at all, far from it. Outnumbered and outflanked by the Reels, shorts, tiktoks and whatever the Facebook things are called again. Especially when I’m already vulnerable, stressed, life’s been tough as life be even when it’s smooth sailing for a change of pace. What I’m trying to say, it’s easy (for me!) to trip and wake up on another end of an hour binge of “content” I don’t remember 15 seconds of.
I considered making this a whole spiel how I deal and don’t deal with it for me personally, instead I want to focus on something else.
The guilt.
There is tremendous guilt associated with procrastination, especially when it’s the thoughtless kind. Consuming mental equivalent of a large fast food meal, even if it’s force fed you one small bite at a time is hardly going to leave you sated and happy. It’s far more likely to leave you feeling bloated and disgusting.
Especially in times of high stress, it’s important to note. Binging is “a thing”. Nor good or bad by nature, just “a thing”.
For me I’ve started treating this “thing” as a warning light. It’s a sign that I’m stressed, overburdened, stretched beyond my means or simply tired of being productive and always moving forward.
I’ve stopped feeling guilty, for the most part, instead I treat it as a reminder that I’m human and not part man, part machine.
Sometimes I front load the pain, close the app and start what I’ve been pushing away. Sometimes I lock that phone and start procrastinating in a more meaningful way, read a book or watch a show. Sometimes, I go for a walk, meditate or do some exercise.
All of the time I try to remember it’s human, and beating yourself to death with your own humanity is hardly going to do you any good.
Be kind to yourself, even or especially so when it or the going, gets hard.
